AMI Institute’s Evil Threat.

26 Mar

I was driving in my car today when an advertisement for the AMI Institute came on the radio. They were promising that if your partner put their new, revolutionary oral strip on his tongue, he would be able to last for hours in the bedroom. There were faceless ladies talking about how happy they were now that their partner was able to go for so much longer. I can think back to a time not so long ago (about 2 years and 9 months but who’s counting?) when this would have been an exciting prospect. Am I alone when I say all I could think was – Jesus, who the hell has got time for that? It’s like when you heard that Sting and Trudi Styler had tantric sex sessions that lasted for 6 hours. Holy crap, I have trouble staying awake through ‘Homeland’!!

You may think I’m a tad risqué for broaching the S word in my first week, but I kinda think, hell, if we’re gonna do this thing, let’s do it. Let’s all be honest about the great big elephant in the closet here……Between early mornings and exhausted evenings the marital bedroom becomes somewhat of a minefield after babies. There I said it. Now, throw into the mix another pregnancy or sore backs or sleepless toddlers or a breastfeeding babe taking majority of your mojo or a myriad of other things, it’s truly a wonder that anyone ever gets around to ‘doing it’. It’s not that you don’t want to, in fact, in theory you know it would even probably be quite fun, but I guess it comes down to the equation that the spirit is willing but the body is weak (read : can’t be assed). In fact, tragically, sometimes it simply comes down to a matter of timing, and we may even be reduced to scheduling.

“Well, you have to get up early, I’m exhausted by evening, weekends we have the kids, but we could try in their nap? Do you have any plans this weekend, during nap time?”

That’s not sexy….. A diary appointment. Is that what we’re reduced to?

Then, when you do finally manage to have an intimate moment there is the 6th sense that a toddler has that they’re missing out on something and they inevitably give out a squawk. Nothing kills passion faster than ‘Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa’ coming from the room next door. Then what the hell are you supposed to do with your AMI Institute rager?

What’s the answer? Oh god, this isn’t that kind of blog. I don’t propose to have an answer for these big, deep marriage type questions, but I do reckon maintaining a healthy level of intimacy and good sense of humour must help. You need to talk about too, don’t let it become a silent war, or matter of defeat. The other evening we were sitting on the couch and Mister H gently took my feet in his hands and gave them a massage. My feet are revolting at the best of times. Scalier than a rhinoceros  and in, my pregnant state, totally cracked and horrible (very hard to reach with my Ped Egg at the moment!). I have to say, that simple action was better than sex. Ok, I lie, but it was pretty good and just what I needed at that time. I reckon simple things like that help.

Oh, and quickies are alright too.

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3 Responses to “AMI Institute’s Evil Threat.”

  1. Kirsten Cox March 26, 2012 at 10:08 pm #

    Oh I do love you so – every one of your blog posts has me cracking up. x

  2. Georgina B March 27, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    You are hilarious, could not agree more, with two kiddies I never want my husband to bring an AMI rager to the bedroom.

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