A Letter Of Complaint to the Manufacturers of the Female Anatomy.

20 Jul

To Whom It May Concern at the Lady Factory,

I’d like to register a formal complaint, please, because I sincerely believe that your engineers were a tad hasty in the signing off of this project.
I would like to preface my complaint by saying I truly feel that many features are perfect. The lady lumps and curvy bits are generally to my liking, and I have to say that on the whole our genitalia is considerably less hilarious in appearance than our male counterparts.

Generally speaking, the female reproductive system is truly amazing, however, I do feel that the method of expelling a baby from the body could do with some tweaking.
In theory, your current methods works quite well, but there are a few fundamental design issues that ought to be addressed for the evolution of the next prototypes.

Primarily, I’m referring to the certainty that a vagina does not comfortably fit a watermelon. If the dislodgement process were currently perfect, ladies would not experience issues such as squeezing drops of wee whilst sneezing, hemorrhoids, cervixes falling out, rectal walls tearing, or any other number of unspeakable indignities. Please be advised that the nether regions of the female ought never see the glint of a sewing needle doing fancy stitch work.

In future, please add more elastin to the mix for female epidermis, to ensure skin is never traumatised by sudden growth during pregnancy as ladies truly have enough body issues in a bikini without added stress of stretch marks from a process that is beyond their control.

Furthermore, after this process is complete and the fairer sex moves into the feeding stage, I would like to draw your attention to the major planning balls up that is mastitis. Whilst one is trying to provide nutrition to ones progeny, one ought not be afflicted by a searingly exquisite agony that makes one want to have an immediate mastectomy.
If you insist that this glitch cannot be fixed, at least work on some better treatment methods because the old ‘cabbage in the bra’ trick, leaves ladies smelling like a cross between a Russian deli and a fart.
While you’re perfecting the area of the breast, feel free to ensure that the nipple region is, in fact, not going to be blistered, torn or in any way mauled when continuously gummed and sucked for a 12 month period, as is the recommended usage period.

I have had extensive experience with this current model, and done boundless research in the public field, so if you require further feedback or would care to discuss any of these issues, please don’t hesitate to get in touch,

Yours sincerely,

An ex-bikini wearing, stitched up, sore breasted customer.


32 Responses to “A Letter Of Complaint to the Manufacturers of the Female Anatomy.”

  1. Hannah July 20, 2012 at 8:15 am #

    Reblogged this on Birthing Naturally and commented:

  2. rwbalzer July 20, 2012 at 9:30 am #

    I believe that your stretch marks have created “stitches” and “aching” in my sides for months to come. I guess this is the feminine way of “getting back” at parts of the male anatomy responsible in part to the causes and effect of women caring around the watermelon for nine months…Hi to Waldo.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 20, 2012 at 9:44 am #

      Even as I was writing it I was thinking ‘man, I need some new inspiration’ but after a round of mastitis, I’m still in the trenches of this!!!

      Promise I’ll extend into action/adventure shortly!

      Waldo sends regards.

      Sent from my iPhone

  3. sisinlaw July 20, 2012 at 11:42 am #

    i sneezed and peed yesterday… twice.

  4. Fabulous Mommy July 22, 2012 at 2:33 am #

    Amen Sistah!

    I always say, it doesn’t matter how it happens, there is no pleasant way to get a baby out. Serious design flaw that.

    • John Cullimore September 7, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

      I really am enjoying the way you write. It’s very refreshing and honest.

      Thanks for being you!

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys September 7, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

        Why, JB, thank you so very much. I like being me, so a little appreciation for something that requires little effort feels nice.
        Thanks for being you, and writing such a fabulous comment!

  5. faydanamyjake October 14, 2012 at 9:54 am #

    Lmao can I add a you have to be having a frigging laugh peri menopause section? 🙂

  6. Cooker and a Looker June 13, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    I’ll second the request for extra elastin Mrs H. A girl can never have too much elastin!

  7. Kim June 13, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

    Ahhh the old cabbage trick. Russian deli crossed with a fart – a perfect description. Russian fart. Add some sour breastpad milk and that good old bastard mastitis and I felt like I was feeding my baby borscht.

  8. Ness June 13, 2013 at 7:09 pm #

    Brilliant. I actually REALLY LOL’d. Truly. Love it. xo

  9. robomum June 13, 2013 at 9:58 pm #

    I love this! I want to take you out for a drink and discuss war wounds! Carmens? Lol!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys June 13, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      Brilliant. I’ll buy the first round!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 13/06/2013, at 9:59 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  10. mummymanifestodotcom June 14, 2013 at 1:09 am #

    Hilarious but true!! Do we have a warranty or discount on the next model? Love this..

  11. Kelly HTandT June 14, 2013 at 10:42 am #

    Love it! Thanks so much for the laugh – especially ” a cross between a Russian deli and a fart” hahahaha. So true. SO many things weren’t very well thought through. Great post!

  12. Sarah @ Slapdash Mama June 14, 2013 at 11:52 am #

    I am one giant stretchmark. Also, as I grow older, I grow hairier. I am sporting quite the goatee these days and my bikini line stretches down to my knees. I asked my English Beauty Therapist about the hair and she shrugged disinterestedly and said “Oh, it’s hormonal innit”. Not helping lady.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys June 14, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

      What’s up with the rug on the backs of thighs?? That never used to be there.
      Young upstart beautician should have been more supportive… One day she’ll get it!!

  13. This Charming Mum June 14, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

    Hear hear! If only it wasn’t too late to send mine back and get a replacement 2.0 model!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys June 14, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

      There’s a time limit? Naaaah.

      I’m waiting til this one is totally clapped out and I’m getting the uber whizz bang upgrade, baby!!

  14. Rachel June 15, 2013 at 8:22 pm #

    As usual Mrs Holsby, you have totally nailed it with this post. So many great features yet so many serious design flaws. Can I add that there seems to be something wrong with the fat storage system? Mine definitely works WAY too well…

  15. mwitasblog June 19, 2013 at 8:17 pm #

    This left me howling with laughter… but on the serious side, i am sure you don’t want the author of this project, who in this case happens to be God Himself, I am sure you don’t want Him answering you

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys June 19, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

      Well sure I do! We could have a spirited discussion, I’m sure. God surely has a great sense of humor!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 19/06/2013, at 8:17 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

      • mwitasblog June 20, 2013 at 3:21 am #

        Yeah, you got me there… He sure does.


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