At One With My Inner Wookie.

20 Aug

image sourceMe in a few years

I was breast-feeding KiKi the other day, and as I gazed down at her perfect alabaster skin, I noticed she had a single, dark hair on her upper lip.
A tad for young a ‘tache and months premature for Movember, was my initial thought, so I gently went to brush it off her lip when I realised it was indeed attached.

To. My. Nipple.

WTF is up with that????

Upon closer inspection, I did not discover any more than that one, single, protruding breast whisker (that no longer exists, FYI, for approx 4 weeks at least), but it made me sit back and take stock of the hirsute invasion I’m noticing on my previously silky-smooth lady body.

A prime example of this infiltration is (I tell you this in great confidence because it’s a bit of a secret) I used to have just one hair, slightly pubic, on my chinny, chin, chin.

One hair is a talking point, provided it is faithfully tweezed. A laughable matter of which to talk to your friends about, and more often than not, you’d find you’re not alone…..however, my one, single whisker now has a couple of mates.
Where one rogue whisker is funny, three is a hop, skip and a jump away from a goddamn beard.

A mere stone’s throw from a permanent gig at the circus like my gorgeous friend pictured here.

I love how it states ‘ALIVE’….don’t reckon taxidermy is big in the carni community. source

When did this happen? How did this happen??
Is it not enough that my boobs are no longer perky but pointing towards the ground and I have saggy knees to worry about?

Do I really have to grow random hairs like some old gorilla??

While we’re on the matter, what’s going on on the backs of my thighs?
The fronts of my thighs are so hairless that I’ve never had to shave or wax them. There simply is no hair to speak of there, except perhaps very fine body hair that really doesn’t count unless you’ve removing a Band-Aid……so why would I even look at the backs of my legs?

Surely they match the front, right?

WRONG!

It seems I have thigh mullets. It’s all business at the front, and party at the back, and I’m not happy about it.

Not one bit.

It’s not like it’s knee to bum cleft or anything, more like a patch or a toupee on the back of my legs. The problem with it’s proximity, though, is that it could be mistaken for a small animal hiding under my skirt.

I’m not even going to talk about my bikini-line.

I’ve boycotted the Brazilian after reading Caitlin Moran’s book (I wrote about it here). I mean, in truth, there is no longer a bikini line, as such, but it’s winter so no members of the public will be subjected to it, and anyone who may get a private viewing would, frankly, be so stoked at the opportunity that I doubt they’d notice the Mirkin factory I’m harbouring.

That’s the thing about winter, though right?

You have a couple of months where you don’t have to take yourself off to the Wax Emporium (AKA The Pubic Inquisition) and suffer the indignity of your legs in the air whilst someone applies scalding hot wax to your nethers, only to remove it a second later sometimes taking a layer of labia with it.

Why, oh why, do smooth bits feel so much nicer???

It really doesn’t seem fair. I’ll add it to the design fault list.

No, definitely something to skip in the winter months, particularly if you’re married with kids, because let’s face it, you’d feel ripped off if you did get the wax and then didn’t get laid before it was stubble again. We all know hairy minge increases the chances of rumpy, right?

Bring back the bush.

So, if you find yourself gazing down at your human fur leggings, thinking how you’ve really let yourself go this winter, just relax, and spare a thought for me, because I’m fast becoming a Wookie.

What should my Wookie name be, I wonder?

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19 Responses to “At One With My Inner Wookie.”

  1. georgie August 20, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    willy wants to know what recipe comes after this story……. ha ha ha
    love it. x

  2. faydanamyjake August 20, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    You are not alone.. remember my facial hair in birmingham post.. I have a bad habit of admiring myself from afar, fleetingly in the hall mirror and getting a shock when I get up close in a bright light occationally and shudder in fear I may have hairy outted myself to fellow humans unwittingly..
    My hubby shaves me sometimes, not my face, my legs.. the under thigh can get quite shocking, he wanders as he goes.. to my belly and hairy toes.. Is true love knowing the location of your loved ones hair hot spots? I might just be 🙂

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 20, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

      Hang on one minute…..your husband shaves your toes??????

      I
      can’t
      stop
      laughing!!!!!

      Thanks for sharing…….fellow Wookie!!!

    • rebecca August 20, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

      Remember my mate Molly?!?

  3. Fabulous Mommy August 21, 2012 at 8:40 am #

    Pregnancy turned me into a hairy ape beast. My stomach was fluffy. FLUFFY! WTF! I was sporting some killer fluff on my jawline which thankfully has disappeared in the last 9 months.

    The occational nipple hair is less concerning than a rogue chest hair.

    I love being a lesbian, I can not shave and people will just nod sagely while muttering “it’s okay, she’s one of those hippy gays.”

  4. Carolyn Colley August 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

    Sorry Danielle, I guess the back of thigh thing is genetic. However I’m sure you’ve inherited some good things from me too!! Love Mama

  5. diannegray August 22, 2012 at 7:34 am #

    Oh no, that’s when the hairs came for me, after the first baby. I got hairy nipples (and it really hurts f you try to pluck them) 😀

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 22, 2012 at 8:07 am #

      Unfair..so unfair.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 26, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

      I’m trying to find an email address for you on your blog….can’t seem to see one. Wondering if you’d be interested in me writing a guest blog for you? I just read your piece on first memories and it made me think of mine……
      Not that they’re particularly amazing but I’ll fancy them up 😉

  6. mrsdsmaunderings August 22, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Hahaha…I too have hair(s) on my chinny chin chin…tweezers are my best friend..have made hubby promise that if I get to the stage where I can’t do it myself he will have to do it for me…he’s threatened to get out the Bic…and hairy backs of thighs….I have no fucking idea what that is about but I’ve had them for years & years..But to go with your wookie outfit I have awarded you the Liebster Blog Award, so pop on over lovely & pick it up…shame I haven’t any vodka to go with it 😉

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 22, 2012 at 12:44 pm #

      Spanks, fellow Wookie. We love an award, we bloggers! I have been fortunate enough to receive the Lieb already so I have double happiness!

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