Hot Sex Tips from 1894

21 Oct

On the hunt for the missing mojo I thought I’d turn to a little literature to get help me get my game on.

50 Shades of Grey had nothing. The whole deal was so implausible and poorly written it was like the Bold and The Beautiful had taken steroids.

Barely raised a tickle in my knicks, so when I saw this little pink, pocket-sized beauty I thought it was sure thing…..

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Hell, there is even a bottle of tincture called Climax on the cover. Who wouldn’t like a hip flask of that in their handbag?

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But then I realised she was a tad behind the times…..

Obviously, no one ever has sex on their wedding night these days, as everybody has drunk their bodyweight in champagne and danced until 3 am……and as for the ‘first time’ bit, well, not even my Grandpa would have fallen for that, what with my six-month old sitting on my knee at the bridal table.

Brilliant!

Sex every day? Who wouldn’t want that, right?

Sex is awesome and fun and messy in a much more fun way than the rest of your day. Why wouldn’t you want to do that all the time?

Abnormal positions? Between the ancient Karma Sutra, that requires all participants to be yogis, and the accessibility of porn these days, haven’t we all seen everything before?

What exactly is an abnormal position? At the washing line? Don’t reckon I’ve seen that one.

MOUTHING EACH OTHER’S VILE BODIES?

Whoa, Mama!!  That actually sounds kinda hot…..

Alas, a mere few more pages in and I realized I’d been duped. Dear old Ruthie baby was nothing but a trumped-up prude, God rest her soul.

I don’t need that advice, Ruth. That’s what I’m trying to shake, sugar.

I was tut-tutting her uptight ways and then I realised perhaps this was closer to the bone than I dare admit.

Ummm, check.

Didn’t mean to let it side, but I’ve been a little pre-occupied.

Oh dear. If I started nagging much earlier, what then? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Mrs Smythers recommends you talk about mundane household matters at this point. Wouldn’t that enhance sleep?

‘Honey, the bathroom tap washers really need a …………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’

or

‘Babes, next time you mow the lawn, could you please………snooooooooooore’

Anyway you can see that the woman is clearly not going to be giving me mojo enhancements I was looking for, but the piece de resistance was on the last page…….check it out.

It’s not about the writing, it’s about the image……

Seriously, WTF is that?

Dear Mrs Reverend Smythers, thank you for allowing me to reproduce pages of your book for my blog as I really feel that this would be highly educational for my readers. It certainly makes me feel better about myself. It reinforces that I’m neither a prude nor a good Methodist.

If anyone knows what that implement is, please, enlighten me. Any guesses?

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18 Responses to “Hot Sex Tips from 1894”

  1. frugalfeeding October 21, 2012 at 7:23 am #

    It’s a nut cracker (I’m not joking)

    • Kerri October 21, 2012 at 7:49 am #

      Ouch! That is nasty.

    • Peaches October 21, 2012 at 7:56 am #

      I second that. It’s definitely a nut cracker. You put the nut towards the hinged end and pull the handles together.

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys October 21, 2012 at 8:21 am #

        In that case the big question is, my Peachy friend, is there a place for that in the bedside drawer?

      • Peaches October 21, 2012 at 11:17 am #

        It would fit, but it would be unrecommended, especially considering your goals. lol

  2. faydanamyjake October 21, 2012 at 7:44 am #

    Where did you get that book! what a gem 🙂
    The best route to getting mojo going for a mum with a baby is sleep, coming home to the house cleaned a bit more sleep, some belly covering undies, candlelight and a sip or two of wine. oh and this really helps too.
    http://www.durex.com/en-za/products/lubes/pages/playheat.aspxnods
    its a post baby must have. enjoy 🙂

  3. faydanamyjake October 21, 2012 at 7:53 am #

    durex play heat lube.. the link failed. rub it all over your bits 🙂

  4. JackieP October 21, 2012 at 8:09 am #

    oh wow! A nut cracker it is indeed! hahahah…..how appropriate since dear Ms (mrs?)smythers seems to be a bertha ball breaker. 🙂

  5. casseager October 21, 2012 at 9:44 am #

    Sweet find on the old book! What a ripper! I wonder if that’s what The Nutcracker Suite is about?

  6. Fabulous Mommy October 21, 2012 at 10:01 am #

    Oh please let me know if you find the answer because between the twins, my antideps, the fact that I haven’t had an uninterrupted night sleep in almost two years and the fact that DW and I seem to be sleeping different shifts and never the two shall meet, my Mojo has not only left the building but possibly also the country.

    Are there any women who don’t suffer from post pregnancy body issues?

  7. Rebecca Thompson October 21, 2012 at 10:46 am #

    Absolutely no idea, but #$*% you made me laugh. This post produced the biggest belly laugh I have had in ages – thank you!

  8. lifeofalovergirl October 21, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

    WOW, lol!! A nutcracker… Anyway, a few years back my baby brother and I found a bunch of old sex books when we were rifling through my grandmother’s stuff. HILARIOUS advice from the 60’s and maybe some earlier. We were cracking up for hours.

    Like some of the advice was that you could use the plastic wrap around your coffee cups in a hotel room for a condom, or a deflated party balloon. There was advice about how no woman actually enjoyed recieving oral sex and that was why you had to pay extra for it from the prostitutes. Weird racial comments, they had it all! LOL And the guy’s picture on the back of one of the books, well lets just say I’d be surprised if he’d ever actually managed to get someone to sleep with him!!

  9. Mrs H October 21, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

    Hilarious – thanks for cheering up my Sunday!

  10. C Eliza C October 21, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    That was absolutely hilarious! Thanks – both hubby and I had a good giggle over it!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Interview with a sex therapist….How to regain your mojo. | Keeping Up With The Holsbys - March 29, 2013

    […] may have mentioned once or twice that my mojo has been somewhat lacking since I gave up sleep, so when the opportunity arose for me […]

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