I caught up with a girlfriend recently and she was all ablush with the first glow of love.
She had met someone amazing. He inspired her, he understood her, their physical connection was electric and her whole world was turned upside down.
She thought she had met THE ONE.
Exciting stuff, right?
One minor issue stands in the way……
Not that long ago I stood on a hill, one summer afternoon, and I watched her say ‘I do’ to the man who was then The One.
She has grown disillusioned by her marriage, and disconnected from her partner.
I do not judge the situation, nor her actions, but the conversation we had that night has brought up a lot of questions for me.
I asked how things had been going in her marriage lately and as you can imagine, things hadn’t been dandy. She felt they weren’t connecting, he didn’t understand her anymore. The spark of electricity was replaced by a smoking fizzle.
They just did the day to day stuff. Work, home, food, kids, bed, and do over every day……..
‘IS THIS IT?’ she posed.
It’s a damn good question, because when you say ‘I do’ you’re vowing to be together forever and, in reality, forever is a really long time.
A long time to never have the butterflies of a new admirer.
A long time to never have another first kiss.
A long time to never feel the electric moment someone’s bare tummy touches yours.
She asked me if I was happy and I told her that I was, and that I was content….she replied ‘what the f*ck is content?’
Is content a bad thing to be?
I’m no relationship expert, as you know. This is my first long term relationship (over 12 months) so I’m really making it up as I go along, but one thing for know for absolutely certain –
MARRIAGE IS BLOODY HARD WORK.
I don’t mean hard work like Sudoku, I mean hard work like Burma Railway.
Marriage is hard because after the excitement of the first kiss and the first bare tummy rub (or other bare rubbing parts) dies down, what’s left is actually fairly unglamorous. What’s left is a roundabout of peaks and troughs that sometimes feel like you’re lost at sea, and you can only hope your boat is seaworthy.
Mortgage payments, phone bills, broken toilets, sleepless nights, finding time for yourself, arguments over housework…..this is the shit that makes relationships difficult. None of it is ground breaking stuff……but it is the toiling grit of daily mundanity that grinds you down in time.
We live in a fairly disposable society these days, so it comes as no surprise that the divorce rate is so high. You know, when the going gets tough (and other Billy Ocean songs)……
Do you not think the previous generations have felt marriage disillusion or dissatisfaction?
Of course they did. So, why is the divorce rate so high now?
Do we quit too quickly? Give up too easily and just keep on moving on to the next thing, like we do with phones and computers and shoes?
You know the secret to a successful marriage?
Wanting it bad enough to work at it.
The thing about these feelings of dissatisfaction is that you must address them head on, for the elephant in the room will become the size of Godzilla and this will only breed contempt…..and contempt will kill your relationship faster than a crying toddler kills your sex drive.
You need to stop looking at the bits that give you the shits and focus a little on what you do like about them. Maybe once you remember those bits, the faults won’t seem as massive and unconquerable. We’re not ever going to change our partners. Sure, you can train them somewhat, but you can’t change them, and trying will only cause rifts.
I think that marriage is a choice, and I know that fidelity is a choice, too.
I’m sure it’s exciting to feel all of those thrilling ‘firsts’ again, but you really need to remember why you married someone in the first place, and if you stood face to face in front of your family and friends, and pledged forever, then maybe you owe it yourselves to try to find your balance again. I think you can reconnect, but I think you really have to want to.
Because it’s hard.
It’s hard considering someone else. It’s hard being honest about your feelings all the time, and having round tables when you just feel like going to bed. You have to work out those niggles before they become relationship cancer.
And you’ll fight. Of course, you will….. But do it with respect, and sit down and listen to each other after.
Obviously, if it’s over, it over. Sometimes people drift apart and the chasm between them is too vast for the tenuous fingers of love to reconnect, and I’m never going to advocate trying to flog a dead horse.
Someone I admire said to me recently ‘No one ever said it was going to be easy’, and I had to smile.
Bastards. Could have warned us.
Keeping Up With The Holsbys 
I’m with you…you gotta make it work. There is not an out option so you talk, and realise that love is a verb so you have to do things for one another and show that love because words are not enough.
Danielle you’re a fantastic writer. Beautifully worded and very true. And yes those bastards have a lot to answer for.
Nearly 11 years of marriage later, it is very hard work. We are still learning about each other every day. We’ve had a lot of challenges, mainly around me, because I’ve had chronic illness for 7 of those 11 years and haven’t been able to contribute as much as I would have liked to. Nursing someone is not sexy either!
But in all that time, we have never once thrown the towel in or said I can’t do this anymore. We’ve kept it going and worked out what we need and what the other person needs and I have to say, he’s better at it than me.
I think sex gets better though, don’t you? There’s not the excitement of a new person, but there is trust and knowledge and making it happen around the challenges of work, housework, child(ren) etc.
11 years, well done!
You guys sound amazing and like you’re all over the constant ebb and flow. That’s awesome.
As for sex, I’m still in the small children waking in the night phase so we’re just getting back in the saddle!!
I’ll keep you posted đź‰
Totally agree. I think commitment is the big thing. The lovey feelings come and go somewhat – though, with work, changing your thinking etc they are there more often than not. It is nice to feel safe in a relationship where you know the other person is with you no matter what. I’m so glad my husband doesn’t want to pack it in every time I have a bad/ unglamorous/ cranky day.
Love this. Yep, commitment. There is nothing better than the safety of feeling that your husband won’t want out of the relationship whenever you have a bad day/ week/ month. (Well, for me, anyway – maybe I’m content with a boring life!) The lovey feelings can come and go (though with work, can be there more often than not), but a commitment is a wonderful security to have.
I think people give up too easily, but you need to feel like there is something worth saving. The Koala and I have been together 11 years and married for almost 4. Both our parents are still married to each other and I think it affects our sub-conscious and our ideas of marriage.
Finding the right person is important, but allowing that person space to grow and to change is harder. I have changed from the shy and innocent 18 year old girl he met. Yes, we often socialise separately and no girl wants to feel like they only have 1 admirer in the world (their spouse). But you get to come home to the best person on the world and that is wonderful.
When he was a bartender I understood that flirty or friendly bartenders get the best tips. I always said, “Baby, you flirt as much as you like at work, but you come home to me”. Flirting is a lost art. Or it is in my world. You can be friendly without taking it any further. Granted, I was painfully shy once. I guess being able to grow into an adult with him by my side has given me a lot of confidence.
Everything comes in cycles. Even marriage. Somedays it’s a honeymoon, other days you feel distant. Just accept that it’s not going to be just one way all the time. Or if you’re in a slump change something.
You are so right Danielle. The first few years for us were easy peasy. Having kids brought in new challenges. And yes, you have to make choices – like being kind to one another. Choosing your tone of voice. Choosing where you direct you anger. Brilliant post, as usual. xx
Tone of voice…..yep. Big one.
I have a new saying that may make you smile…..I now take pause and say ‘what would Heart Mama do?’.
True story.
I still lose my shit, but it’s a start đź‰
No way! That’s amazing. Best comment I have every heard 🙂 I am totally stoked to be in your head, especially at a difficult moment. Wow. That did make me smile. 🙂
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH SNAP!!!!! I remember the way I felt when I met my husband – I actually jumped on a plane a week later back to the UK and said to my bestfriend. I am in love and I bet he will propose to me by Christmas (well no propsal until 2 years later but I did fall pregnant with his baby by Christmas!) The sparks, the excitement.. the kiss!!!
I have now been married a year to the ONE… and yes it is hard, and yes we have our disagreements.. but we will work at it.. both of his grandparents just celebrated 60 and 65 years of marriage.. I want that. We want that.. our kids want that for us! We will work to be able to celebrate every year together!
#teamIBOT was here!
What a great post. I left my first marriage and afterwards I decided that unless I could improve the reasons I left I would not enter into another relationship or the same thing would happen. I am still in the honeymoon stage of my second marriage but I know that our commitment from both sides holds us together when things go wrong. My mantra is understanding, forgiveness and gratitude.
Coming up to 24yrs with my man this year & I only have one word to say: Communication. The key to ANY relationship maintaining itself for the long haul. Keep it up Mrs H. Love your work. xx
I feel sorry for your friend and hope that she can come to terms with her situation and either try harder or get out. I know what temptation is, and I know it’s easy to be fooled into thinking someone else might be “the one” when things aren’t great at home. But it rarely ever turns out they are! like your friend found out obviously. hubby and i have been together 10 years, married 7 this year. Certainly had our ups and downs, but there are ups and downs in any relationship. it’s focusing on the ups and working through the downs that make it worth it in the end.
Fantastic post – you have pushed me along a bit to make the effort that I keep trying and fading on. We have been together 18 years (married 13) and have so many ups and downs in the last 10 that i questioned several times whether we would make it. I know we will but i want a little more than making it and i know i have been pushing for my husband to change when i will gain more ground if i make my own changes.
these 2 points are key!! “and contempt will kill your relationship faster than a crying toddler kills your sex drive.
You need to stop looking at the bits that give you the shits and focus a little on what you do like about them.”
Great post! Fascinating area. We’ve all had failed relationships & some of us manage to maintain good ones. My two life lessons for a successful marriage (hard fought & won might add):
1. Kindness. Seems simple, but really hard to keep up everyday, day in & day out.
2. People don’t change. Your partner wont change. You can only be responsible for you & the only person who can truly make you happy is you. Take responsibility for yourself, let your partner know what you need & give them space to deliver it!
Again, great post. Really enjoyed it. Your writing is really hitting it’s straps lately. Noice!!!!!!
Shucks, thanks, babe! Another couple of great points to put into my arsenal of secrets to a happy marriage….
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On 29/01/2013, at 2:13 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys
It sure a bloody hard slog – you could have been writing about it from my POV, the day to day crap of being married with three kids, with both parents working long hours, a house to bloody clean, blah blah. I suppose I’m just lucky that I have meet so many jerks in my time that I know I am with ‘my one’ – otherwise we would not have coped with all the shit we have, and are going through. The key I reckon is to just keep on swimming 🙂
OOOO I forgot to say that I have given you a Sunshine Award for being super awesome – details on my IBOT post today 🙂 I enjoy your posts/blog! I’m sure you’ve already got a stash but I still wanted to give this to you Emily xx
Shucks, Emily. That’s very kind of you. I thank you for throwing some love my way. It doesn’t matter if you have millions or only one, it’s a really nice feeling when someone gives you kudos! You rock!
Gotta spread the love around I say, well not that I can anymore, bloody marriage đź‰
Totally cramps your style đź‰
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On 30/01/2013, at 8:57 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys
Marriage is hard work but so worth it. I have been married for 19 years, and although it hasn’t always been a bed of roses it is worth all the blood sweat and tears that we have put into it….you need to take one day at a time and be true to each other.
Its about respect, consideration and friendship. If you don’t have those elements its not going the distance. Also in my case, I was fortunate enough to marry late at age 37. I never wonder what else is out there because I know what’s out there and it aint pretty.
Ain’t that the truth, sugar!! That’s why all of of previous relationships were short lived!!
This is a great post and full of wise words. Marriage is not easy but it is worth sticking at. I think if you are determined enough and if you are with someone you have a few things in common with (other than just physical things) you should be able to work through the troughs. I’ve been married 13 years this year and there have been good years and not so good years. But I know for every bad phase there is a good patch around the corner and, luckily, the not so good phases have never really been all that bad!
13 years….wow. Well done. It really is a big thing! If I think about who I was dating 13 years ago I get goosebumps….and not the good kind!
I was there reading your post and nodding! Yesterday, I had a discussion with a friend and she was telling me that her cousin was going to divorce after 6 months of marriage. I don’t want to be judgemental but I think the problem is that many girls focus a lot on the wedding day not thinking that it’s only one day and then, well you actually have to live with the other person and compromise and listen and talk and resolve problems… Many girls think they will get married and their life will be like a fairy tale… This is crazy! They don’t realise that the fire and the passion will dissolve to leave place to friendship and respect and this too is love.
Well I can only speak from my own experience, but Boatman is my best friend. Even if the sparks have stopped for a minute, he is still the one I want to be with. I think the old adage of marrying your best friend is true. It’s just far too hard otherwise
Really great post. Marriage is bloody hard and I think its natures way to want to take the path of least resistance.
I love your advice on focusing on why you married them in the first plae, not the things that annoy you-because there always will be
Can’t say much more than that is a really well thought out, honest and RIGHT article. you got to want it to work and then put the effort in to make it.
Thanks, Kevin. Sometimes the one you ‘think’ about the least are the ones that resonate the most……always amazes me!
We’ve been married nearly 23 years. Hubster is my best friend, and I’m here to tell you that things in the bedroom just get better and better (or is that TMI?!). We’ve had our tough times, and sometimes we drive each other nuts but we have chosen to look out for each other and stick together through thick and thin – so we may as well be happy!
I married my “the One” and 5 years later it is still going well. Things have been difficult this first year with the twins but everything gets better and easier. Even when things are hard and I’m tired and miserable, or DW is irritable and stressed I’d still rather be with her than anywhere or with anyone else. What we have is special and I will fight with everything I have to keep our relationship healthy.
And I agree that with sleep deprivation your sex drive goes out the window. We’re only getting back in the groove now 14 months later.
Marriage is definitely not easy, but it’s not all hard work either. Regular dates out and cuddles on the lounge really help us. Our kids sleeping through the night worked wonders too! Thanks for the food for thought, Fi xxx
Oh man, you made me realize that I forgot to say the great bits!!
I guess that a whole different post xx
What a great post and so very true ! A and I have been together 28 years and married 25 years. I think first and foremost we are each others best friend. We respect each other and value who we are and, while we don’t always agree on issues, we project a united front to our child and discussed differences when we were alone.
Trust and compromise are two words that play an moorland part in our relationship as well.
Have a fantastic week !
Me
#IBOT visitor
Amazing post. Not married myself, not even in a relationship, but I understand most of what’s said. Marriage is bloody hard, I mean a long term relationship is hard enough as it is, when you move in together/work together/spend 10 of your 16 waking hours with The One.
Kuddos to all those that don’t give up and in the end fight for what they believed was once right!
Nice post! After 18 years of marriage (following 4 yrs dating), I’d say commitment and respect are key. On our wedding day, my father-in-law’s advice was, “Bite your tongue.” Neither of us considered that we had any option but to work it out, so we work it out. We are also best friends. Kids make it a lot harder, but you learn a lot that you didn’t realize you needed to learn. (Thanks for checking out my blog.)
Fantastic! I’ve been married (and divorced) and am now long-term partnered with someone “new” for 4 years strong. And I have learned a few lessons along the way. 1) Marriage should be as challenging to get into as it is to get out of. 2) Monogamy is absolutely 100% a choice: you wake up in the morning and look at your partner, and you CHOOSE them every single day; you choose to fight for them and love them and accept them, every single day; this is what makes a marriage (or long-term relationship) go.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and thanks for stopping by my blog, too. 🙂
Juana Bee is so right. So often people refer to all matters of love as something in the wind that is beyond them. The sort of ugly truth is that much of what a relationship is has everything to do with character and thoughtfulness.
I love this post. Marriage is work, but so worth it. I like this part:
“They just did the day to day stuff. Work, home, food, kids, bed, and do over every day……..
â€IS THIS IT?’ she posed.”
I am guessing that your friend is younger than me. I’ve been married almost 18 years now. We were so young when we got married (I was 20, he was 21). The everyday things are what got us through the start of it, through the new babies parts of it, and then the everyday things got to be B O R I N G and we thought that it was over. We almost walked away. But after a life changing event, we decided to try it again. Now, those everyday things are what I look forward to most. I’m excited to come home from work and see my husband and hang out with my kids. Those every day things become so precious when you realize you almost lost them. That’s where the memories are made and trust is earned and where life happens.
I hope your friend figures that out.
Thanks for a great post!
Of course it’s hard! That’s what makes it so rewarding. Great post.
Every day I find a reason to want to punch MPS in the throat but I keep him around cause who will take out the bins and kill the spiders? Oh and make the margaritas… Wow, he does make himself useful 🙂
I love a good margarita…..can you loan him out one night?
I loved ypur post and I shared it here:
http://francescawriteshere.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/francescas-festa-of-favourites-january.html
Just thought I’ll let you know.
Thanks Francesca!
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On 02/02/2013, at 10:42 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys
“No one said marriage would be easy. « Keeping Up With The Holsbys” was indeed a superb blog post and also I
really was in fact very glad to come across the blog post.
Thanks,Harrison
Marriage is work. But the payoff is great. The Koala and I have been together for 12 years, married for 4 of them. He took me to see a movie last night (like a date!) and he took me out to lunch today and even though we live together, we still have things to talk about. Being kind to each other goes both ways. It is not about obedience. It’s about respect. Do things for for each other out of respect.
When I get grumpy at him it’s always a passing feeling. If anything pisses you off, think would this be an issue at all a year from now? Chances are it won’t be.
I feel like this year is the year for break ups. Many of our friends are breaking up around us. It’s sad.
You’re very right. Pick your battles. It’s so sad when friends split. On the flip side, all our friends are all having babies!! I feel like this is the year for spawning…. Watch out for that Aussie water.
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On 25/07/2013, at 12:31 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys
This is a terrific post. I have a few youngsters around me getting married soon and they’re so caught up in planning their weddings – which is lovely – but less concerned about planning their marriages! I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but part of me does feel like saying ‘forget the dress, you need to be thinking about communication, and compromise, and long term strategies and….’ but I think it’s probably a learning curve you just have to travel yourself.
Oh communication. So much harder than just talking and listening!!
Goid luck to your fledglings. May their marriages be long and loving.
I love everything about this post. Marriage is a hard slog at times especially when kids come along. As you say though, you have to remember why you chose this person in the first place. I also try to remember that I can’t change my husband. He is who he is and that’s why I love him. I’m sure I piss him off too anyway đź‰
Surely not!!
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On 25/07/2013, at 2:05 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys
Awesome post. Could have done with reading this six months ago, so I could have delivered myself a little Mrs Holsby uppercut now and then in the intervening period. Damn right it’s hard. Hard, hard, hard. I’ve decided I’m done with excuses for why it shouldn’t be so hard, and all about putting my head down and slogging, now. With wine, of course.
Go on with your bad self, Mrs Frost!
Wine helps everything.
Good luck, though, Lady. Not too hard on those upper cuts. Not in the face đź‰
I just re-read our wee banter – aren’t we fugging hil-hairy-arse!!!
As for what keeps a marriage strong, honesty, hard work and a dash of spicy sex 🙂 xx
Of course. Side splittingly so. Wish you were coming to the drinks tomorrow…. although may liver may be grateful đź‰
This is a really great article! Also big ups to you saucy wenches who say the sex gets better, huzzah!!! 🙂
am I the only man commenting here?! Hello blokes???
Anyway, the missus and I got married young… she was 21, I was 23 and we’re now in the middle of our seventh year… and you know what, there isn’t a single itch to scratch anywhere.
Sure, we want to hold each other’s heads under the water sometimes but, and I think I can speak for my wife here as well, we’re each others’ best mate.
We’ve been rich together, and bankrupt together, we’ve almost starved and we’ve experienced luxury, we’ve been single drunken travellers and now we have two kids.
In a world where marriage splits seems to be the norm, and both our respective families are far from ‘normal’, we are determined to bring it back… we want to be the grandparent’s who everyone stays with at Christmas. We want it all. And I think we bloody deserve it.
(oh, and we’ve worked damn DAMN hard at it!)
and what if I was to cheat? – I’d lose EVERYTHING for a bloody fumble! I love my life and I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise that.
A great post, thank you
What a cool response, Alex. Yes, I don’t have many dude followers at all, but it’s always so great to hear from the hairier species!
I really love everything about your comment. You’re a lucky guy, and your family is lucky to have you too.
My mantra has always been if at the end of the day, even when they have driven you completely up the wall, that you couldn’t see yourself with another person then things are going ok.
Oh Mrs H you are big time on the money with this one. Brook and I are 12 years UN-married (long story short: I kept getting pregnant and refused to have a wedding that I couldn’t drink at!). After all this time I still can’t pin our love down. Sometimes it seems so far away as I think mutinously about his stubborness and refusal to see things MY way! And other times it is the only thing in my whole life that seems real.
But here’s the thing… because he is a chef and works nights I often end up going to social functions alone and he comes at about 10pm when he finishes. But every single time I turn around and see him coming through the crowd towards me there is a surge of “there he is!” excitement that is still the same as when he would come and pick me up for a date all those years ago when we first met. And I think to myself.. that’s worth hanging on to 🙂
I love this comment. Totally with you on the not drinking at the wedding. Gotta be able to drink at your own wedding. I was breast feeding, but I managed in the name of wedding sozzle. I love that you get excited to see your man. Butterflies after 12 years is a pretty fair indication to me!!!
Lurrrrve.
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On 26/07/2013, at 10:23 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys
I have had a picture stuck on my fridge for the last eleven years, It’s two angels sitting side drinking and smoking. The caption says, a good friend will bail you out of jail but a great friend will be next to you saying, ‘damn, we fucked up’. I think that’s the key to a good marriage. Mutual support and love. Great post. X
Smart angels. I love them!
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On 28/07/2013, at 8:49 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys