Silicone Girlfriends and Labiaplasty… All in a day’s work.

6 Apr

I started working in restaurants and bars in and around Sydney’s infamous Kings Cross area when I was about 17 1/2.
Being a curious sort of gal, I had pretty much seen everything there was to see by the time I was 19.

I’d been in sex shops, strip joints, and BDSM clubs, and I thought I was pretty much all over the sex game.
I didn’t have a particular interest in smut or bondage but I was super curious about people who did.

As I said, at the conclusion of my chat with Isiah from Passionate Spirit she offered me a media pass to Sexpo. I jumped at the chance. I thought it would be interesting blog fodder because I need more to write about than my kids and the washing. I used to be so much more interesting. I thought Sexpo might be a leg up, if you will, to an interesting post or two.

If you haven’t quite joined the dots, allow me. Sexpo is an expo, for sex.

That’s kinda interesting.

I wasn’t interested in seeing market stalls of sex toys, I mean, seen one double headed dildo, seen them all, right?

I was interested in seeing who would be there. I knew the Sydney Conference Centre was massive, so it couldn’t all just be vibrators….. and besides, I was told it was ladies night and there would be a free showbag in the deal.Pricasso

Isiah was keen to interview people, and thanks to her, I met some fascinating people and asked some questions that I would normally not have had the chance to, and I can safely say I saw things I’d never seen before.

One of the first things I saw, once my eyes had acclimatised to the flourescent lights, buzzing toys and silicone vaginas, was a man wearing nothing but a spray tan and a pink top hat painting portraits with his penis.

I have no idea at what stage in his life he decided finger painting was for chumps and decided to use his chub, but the question I was burning to ask was –

Doesn’t it get chaffed????

I hadn’t yet had a champers so I didn’t ask the question, but I did look him up, seeing as his url was tattooed on his back.

In case he forgets....

In case he forgets….

He’s travelled the world with his talented knob, painting portraits for Hugh Heffner and the Queen. Heff recieved his graciously at the Playboy Mansion, but somehow I don’t think Lizzie and Pricasso shared a cup of char at Buckingham Palace.

The answer to my question was yes. It does get chaffed, so his l’il fella needs lots of down time.

Continuing down the avenues of smut we came across a sandwich board selling Designa Vaginas for the bargain price of $5000, give or take a buck. I’m guessing Louis Vuitton was not designing these purses.

Pure poetry, and a bargain.

Pure poetry, and a bargain.

Labiaplasty is the third highest cosmetic procedure these days. CRaZy!!

I’ve never really thought in depth about my labia, but apparently there is a large proportion of women who are deeply unhappy with the appearance of their vagina, to the point of not being able to relax sexually. I discovered that the porn industry has a lot to answer in this area because that’s our gauge on ‘attractive’ lady bits. We don’t often see other vajayjays to compare our own to, so we think it’s supposed to look like they do in porn. Nice, tidy, even lips.
If porn shows a fleshy inner labia, they are actually bumped up to a higher classification, therefore they will often airbrush or use only girls with small labia or augmented bits.

Obviously, if you are experiencing chaffing, discomfort or some other physical problem it’s worth investigating but I doubt many guys with funny-old lopsided, wrinkly testicles think they need to go under the knife to be sexually attractive.

This surgeon also performs ‘G Spot Enhancement’ by injecting a filler (same as for your lips) to make the G-spot more pronounced, therefore picking up more friction whilst rubbing uglies. A quick and easy procedure that you can bang out in your lunch break, and still have time to fit in some sushi.
We argued that education would be a better route as the G-spot is still shrouded in mystery, with many people not knowing how to find it or drive it.
The surgeon tried to look surprised at this suggestion, but he’d had too much Botox done and just looked blank.

Then I met the beautiful, if quiet, Hirushi. Hirushi is a stunning Asian girl with long dark hair and pert bosoms. Unless you want her to bosoms to be otherwise.
Hirushi, along with her silicone sisters, is a life size doll.

Did you ever see the beautiful, quirky Ryan Gosling film Lars and the Real Girl? I loved that movie but that’s my only experience with a real, unreal girl until I got up close and personal with the stunning Hirushi.

Hirushi, Fantasy Doll

For the mere price of $7000 you can have a Fantasy Doll created to your exact specifications. What colour nipples and what size vagina would you like?

I wonder if they offer McSuper Sizing here?

I asked what kind of person would spend such an exorbitant amount (cheaper than a wedding, just quietly) of money on a doll?

All kinds of people apparently.

Perhaps after 30 years of marriage a man discovers a penchant for young hot women (he just discovered that???), and it’s less dangerous than an affair and cheaper than a divorce.

Wow.

One client had discovered he had three months left to live so he wanted to spend his final weeks with a gorgeous companion.
Hmmmmmm, gorgeous, yes. Companion? She’s a little on the reserved side.

I’ll admit that there may have been moments in my marriage that I wished my husband was mute, but I’m generally thankful for a pulse, and when he lets me stick my freezing cold winter feet on his legs in bed, he’ll warm them up. Fantasy Dolls are decidedly chilly. Particularly at a dinner party.

If you don’t wish to pay for a whole silicone girl, I also found you could buy just a part of one. No prizes for guessing which part. Upon investigation it actually did feel very life-like (enquiring minds need to know), but I imagine as far as companions go, it’s not much less awkward at a dinner party… still with the amount of prosthetic phallus’ out there, you can hardly blame the dudes for having an option that ain’t attached to their arms.

There was one more person I was actually awed by, Kim, the submissive. We talked about her relationship with her Master, and what she thought of 50 Shades of Grey. I don’t think I could fit everything I thought when I talked to Kim into this blog so I think she’ll get one of her own. Stay tuned for more tales of Sexpo….

Lucky I didn’t go to the Easter Show or I’d be writing about farm animals, hey?

Did you know about the porn industries views on lady bits? How interesting is that?

Would you go to Sexpo?

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20 Responses to “Silicone Girlfriends and Labiaplasty… All in a day’s work.”

  1. Christie Silver April 6, 2013 at 9:35 am #

    Gawker had an article about vaginal aesthetic surgery that cracked me up. First time I heard it called a “vertical smile.” πŸ™‚

  2. crankycaregiver April 6, 2013 at 9:48 am #

    Lady, so are so out there it’s unbelievable. The tears of laughter are rolling down my cheeks. I’m going back to the beginning of this post to see if I missed anything!

    Oh, by the way, my SO said $7000.00 is a steal for a woman that can’t talk. Just saying!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 6, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

      How rude. Our wit is our finest attribute, no?

      • crankycaregiver April 6, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

        I was paying you a compliment! Sorry if you misunderstood!

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 6, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

        Nopes. I took it as a compliment, I was referring to the $7k silent companion comment!

        I don’t offend easily, my cranky panted friend. Keep the comments a’comin’ cos I do so love to banter x

        Sent from my iPhone

        On 06/04/2013, at 4:53 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

      • crankycaregiver April 6, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

        Gotcha! Your post was hilarious. And he is rude..but I love him! Can’t account for taste!

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 6, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

        I love rude. I’m offensively so πŸ˜‰

        Sent from my iPhone

        On 06/04/2013, at 6:30 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  3. Cooker and a Looker April 6, 2013 at 10:31 am #

    I think I love you Mrs H. You are freakin hilarious. x

  4. Jet April 6, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    Sounds like it was a lot of fun! Love the way you wrote about it, I needed the laughs πŸ™‚

  5. Mumabulous April 6, 2013 at 11:06 am #

    Back in the before kids era Dadabulous and I went to Sexpo. We entered tittering like smutty 14 year olds. I exited decidedly turned off. I didn’t even want to watch the male stripper – what’s up with that? Anyhow if Pricasso had been there I would probably have felt differently about the whole deal. That is one uber talented dude.
    PS: Labiaplasty? Irreputable proof that the world has gone insane. “I dont like your pussy, the way it is” – no man straight man ever said.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 6, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

      I know, right?
      I always maintain that they’re so happy just to be there that they really don’t care what it looks like!

  6. empressnasigoreng April 6, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

    I went to Sexpo in the late 90s (for work!). Was pretty boring, I thought. Looks a little bit more varied now.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 6, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

      Obviously, you never saw Pricasso. One could never say he was boring πŸ˜‰

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 06/04/2013, at 7:07 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  7. Vanessa Beattie (@BabblingBandit) April 7, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

    I went to Sexpo this year with a guy I’d been dating for three months. I thought it was fun but the bright fluorescent lighting and masses of bogans that were there on the Saturday night were a bit of a turn off. I liked it back in the 90s when it was still small and at the Horden. This year it just seemed like one massive sex shop selling either outrageously expensive sex toys or crazy cheap ones that I’d worry would break on contact. Love your post though. I had no idea the bigger the flaps the higher the rating! You learn something new everyday.

  8. larva225 April 7, 2013 at 11:32 pm #

    Thank you for being interesting for all of us!!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 8, 2013 at 7:01 am #

      All is a day’s work πŸ˜‰

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 07/04/2013, at 11:32 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  9. Bunny Eats Design April 8, 2013 at 9:52 am #

    “A quick and easy procedure that you can bang out in your lunch break, and still have time to fit in some sushi.” Nice choice of words there lady!

    We have (or had) a similar expo here called Erotica. The Koala got a double pass from his work so we figured we would give it a nosey. It wasn’t my thing to be honest. Maybe I already had some preconceived notions but you need a lot of patience to go to expos and The Koala generally doesn’t enjoy shuffling through crowds at the best of times.

    Interesting stuff out there though.

    Do they have beautiful model-esque toyboy man-dolls now? With electric blanket settings? “Toasty feet” setting would be lovely.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Mrs H talks to Kim, the Submissive | Keeping Up With The Holsbys - April 26, 2013

    […] mentioned recently that when I went to Sexpo I found someone fascinating. We chatted briefly and I discovered that Kim is a consensual slave, […]

  2. Favorite bedroom appliance and Fetta stuffed Greek rissoles. | Keeping Up With The Holsbys - August 25, 2014

    […] bought it at Sexpo under the watchful eye of my sex therapist friend Isiah whom I presumed has much experience in […]

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