The Rise of the Merkin

28 May

I was hanging the washing out this morning and my mind wandered to the sex scene I saw in Boardwalk Empire, Season 1, last night.

It was the one with Nucky’s crazy-arsed, sex-kitten girlfriend and the self-flagelating FBI agent.

Remember it?

Anyway, if you’re not into The Empire, which you totally should be, I’ll recap it for you. The hot young starlet was all boobs in the air with a little cowboy action on top of the freaky muppet-faced agent, and there was a full frontal of her rather hirsute lady bits.

This is her face, not her hirsute parts.

This is her face, and a fur stole. Not a shoulder merkin.

I was thinking that with the rise of serieses (should be a word) set in precise eras at the moment (think Boardwalk Empire, MadMen, Game of Thrones….haven’t seen Downton Abbey, is there sex in that? I imagine it would all be rather proper sex if it was) that an overtly groomed minge would not fit the characters.

I imagine that most every starlet in Hollywood is fairly hairless these days, so do you think it would be a part of their audition process to discuss whether they could grow a cracking bush befitting the era, or are the production companies simply bringing on board merkin specialists to counteract the landing strip look?

Most of Boardwalk Empire’s frontal-nudity scenes needed to involve merkins “to keep it real,” since “nobody really has hair anymore,” said the show’s makeup director, according to this article I found on the subject.

I also found that Hollywood is required to use merkins to keep their classification ratings down. Real pubes are out, but stunt pubes are totes kosher. If we go by that, then every single celluloid bush we see is actually a merkin.

Then my mind wandered to the actual acquisition of a merkin.

Does one purchase a pube-wig off the shelf, or is it a made-to-order thing?
If the pret-a-porter groin rug is anything like the cheapo wigs you buy at a shopping centre, they ain’t gonna fool no minge-afficionado.

Pubic afros come in many different shapes and sizes so it couldn’t possibly be a one merkin fits all scenario.

The Palm Merkin..... looks totally natural, yet tropical.

The Palm Merkin….. looks totally natural, yet tropical.

Obviously, merkins were first introduced in the 1400’s to hide all manner of genital nastiness in prostitutes, the least of which being shaving due to lice, the worst of which being marks left by STI’s such as syphilis. Mmmmmm, nice.

a trick of light, or a green tinge minge?

a trick of light, or a green tinge minge?

I imagine there was a bit of a quiet period in the evolution of the merkin until recently when de riguer of the hair-down-there has been upped to a range between the vertical Hitler moustache to the Telly Savalas special.

Make-up dept totally powdered that pate.

Make-up dept totally powdered that pate.

I’ve already blogged about my thoughts on IPL laser removal of pubic hair here, and one of the main issues I have with it is that when our daughters reach puberty, we’ll be telling them that their new hair growth is perfectly normal, yet we’re bald as badgers.

I wondered then if it would become the norm to sport a merkin in the coming years by way of making our pubescent girls feel that they are indeed normal?

Anyway, I daydreamed about muffs for so long that I barely noticed that I’d hung my 5 tonnes of washing.

Who’da thunk it?

What do you daydream about at the washing line? Can’t be weirder than that.

Hooking up with the tuesday blogging gang at IBOT with EssentiallyJess.

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26 Responses to “The Rise of the Merkin”

  1. Roar Sweetly May 28, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    HBO series are pretty intense aren’t they? Can honestly say I never knew there was a market for fake pubes. Learn something new every day.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 11:08 am #

      We, at the Holsby Corporation, like to keep you informed 😉

      HBO are all over it. Everything they make is fab at the moment.don’t you think?

      • Roar Sweetly May 28, 2013 at 12:42 pm #

        Ok confession time. I’m a bit of a HBO junkie. I watch the shows on the Ipad while I’m doing the dishes or folding clothes. True Blood, Deadwood, The Wire, In Treatment…the list goes on. Makes the housework a little less tedious.

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

        I’ve done all of them but never heard of In Treatment. Do I need to get on to that?

        Sent from my iPhone

        On 28/05/2013, at 12:42 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

      • Roar Sweetly May 28, 2013 at 1:00 pm #

        Well Mrs Holsby that depends….there’s no sex scenes. Personally I found it a blessed relief. Takes place in a shrink’s office. It’s the thinking person’s TV show.

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

        What do you take me for? I love Jason Stackhouse’s butt as much as anyone, but I…. No, that’s all really.

        😉

        Sent from my iPhone

        On 28/05/2013, at 1:00 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  2. Bunny Eats Design May 28, 2013 at 9:42 am #

    I have a supply of unbleached, organic and freerange rabbit fluff that can be fashioned into luxury merkins. Warm in winter, cool in summer. You want?

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 10:53 am #

      Please!! Imagine – mohair muff!!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 28/05/2013, at 9:42 AM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  3. mumabulous May 28, 2013 at 9:44 am #

    Funny -this. Whilst hanging out the washing I often contemplate how the war on weeds in our paving is similar to the war on body hair. Unwinable. I would never consider buying fake weeds to give the Chez Ab courtyard a more authentic feel.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 10:54 am #

      That’s hilarious. Authentic courtyards are best.

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 28/05/2013, at 9:44 AM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  4. coloursofsunset May 28, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    I am lost for words. I wonder if Desperate Housewives’ Marcia Cross was wearing one of those when she was photographed in an outdoor shower. It bothers me that I remember those pictures. Some things you just can’t erase from your memory. Maybe you should start listening to music while you hang out the laundry, so your mind cant’ wander to these places. x Aroha (#teamIBOT)

  5. Me May 28, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

    I know I can always come here and find something to (a) educate me and (b) amuse me – sometimes both – sometimes one or the other !!!
    Have the best day !
    Me
    #IBOT visitor

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

      I do try. I do. Thanks for the love x

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 28/05/2013, at 1:38 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  6. katelikestocreate May 28, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    I’ve been listening to Little Dorrit off Librivox.org when I peg out my washing. Probably a good thing, considering the alternative!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

      I’ll look into that, Kate. I really need to up my tone!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 28/05/2013, at 1:45 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

      • katelikestocreate May 28, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

        No!! You made me laugh so much – I was only teasing!

      • Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 28, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

        Thank god. I couldn’t up my tone if my life depended on it!!

        Just teasing you back 😉 xxx

        Sent from my iPhone

        On 28/05/2013, at 2:19 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

      • katelikestocreate May 28, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

        Phew! That moment when you realize you can’t use facial expression or tone of voice in comments. I need to learn to work those nifty emoticons more.

        Now, if you’ll excuse me, Harry’s using his own spit to clean the windows…

  7. katelikestocreate May 28, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    …”shoulder merkin” … *snort*!

  8. Sam Stone May 28, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

    Love Boardwalk Empire!
    Maybe I should try out for one of these merkin stand-ins – I would be a shoe-in!
    Umm – what do I daydream about at the clothes line….don’t know but from now on it will be merkins.

  9. Kylez @ A Study in Contradictions May 28, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

    Geez, with this kind of day dreaming I’m thinking it’s times to start using the clothes line again! I love a good daydream about random suit and I just don’t get enough time for it these days,

  10. larva225 May 28, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    Holy moley! I hate to admit it, but I had no idea what a “merkin” was. Thanks for enlightening me. I do actually feel quite a bit enriched.
    Sadly, I don’t think I daydream much. My life feels as if it’s a bit of a chess match and I’m constantly thinking 12 moves ahead to what needs to be done in what order. I think I’d be better off if I thought about merkins.

  11. Myra May 29, 2013 at 11:54 am #

    I’m actually starting to believe that the real, deciding reason there are SO many historical and fantasy shows on HBO etc these days, is—that’s the only way to plausibly show a naked woman with lots of pubic hair.

    If anyone thinks that sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory, I invite them to cite a single counterexample. That is to say, modern “adult” television, set in the present day, portraying modern women with currently realistic grooming. Good luck 🙂

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