Paralysis

6 Aug

fearI appear to be suffering from a type of paralysis.

It’s not permanent, at least, I hope it isn’t, but I currently feel as though I cannot possibly do all of the things I need to do in a day, so I barely end up doing any of them.

My inner critic is on steroids.Β I have writer’s paralysis, which is like writer’s block on smack, and when I do think of a topic worth writing about, my puff-chested inner critic pipes up with –

‘Who cares what you have to say anyway?’

I start writing and then trash the whole thing because I just keep thinking –

‘Who gives a shit what you think?’

I’m having a ‘What’s it all about moment’, and I’m not really coming up with any answers. I love this blog, and I love the people I’ve (cyber) met but I seem to be suffering from a bout of the Terrible Fear.

DOUBT

I recently read some advice for bloggers that you should only really write when you have something truly cracking to say. Some people write to a weekly schedule, and some people write daily. I don’t have anything worth saying daily, nor do I have time (thank Christ for that, I hear you sigh). I do think discipline is good when you’re writing, but if you’ve nothing interesting to say?

How do you know when it’s good, or truly interesting?

I guess, and I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I’m a little sick of my own voice. I bang on and on about my feelings, and my thoughts and life and my kids, but there are so many people out there doing that, it’s not unique at all.

I’m still waiting for my book to be finished in the design stage. That will be cool. Then I’ll feel accomplished. It’s taking considerably longer than everyone anticipated and there’s not a thing I can do to hurry it along. I’m still so excited about it as a concept, but when it seems constantly just a little bit out of my reach it’s difficult to maintain momentum.

The sproglets no longer sleep at the same time, so I currently have little to no time during the day write, or approach people about writing, and I feel like I’m never going to go anywhere, or achieve any of these dreams. They’re not unattainable if you have the time to dedicate, but you need the time.

Time. I have no time. I need more hours in the day. Time is frustrating me.

Sometimes I look at the BIG PICTURE and the weight of it feels as though it could crush me. I know I need to stay present in the now, and just do the little steps every day, because that’s simply less daunting. Perhaps I should re-read Eckhart Toll’s The Power of Now, but I found it boring the first time to be perfectly honest. I kept thinking of the things I needed to be doing.

Case in point.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking these ugly thoughts for a couple of weeks and I hope that if I just get them out of me then I can move forward, and remember why I’m doing this in the first place. It’s meant to be fun. A release and an outlet, and not something that weighs on me as I try to compete with everyone else doing the same thing.

There are many wonderful bloggers that I’ve met in the past year and a bit, and from small beginnings I have a beautiful following of lovely people who read and comment, and care… but sometimes it just feels kind of lonely and like a strange thing to do.

Yesterday, Tarah from Starting Over As Ms awarded me one of those blog awards. They don’t really mean anything in the real world, but this one actually meant a lot. Kudos from peers is a special thing.

I’m not going to do the whole shebangalang of it, not for any reason other than I’ve done it a few times and am running out of interesting facts about myself. I’m just going to thank Tarah for her impeccable timing in giving me the Versatile Blogger Award, and if you have time to go and check her out she writes about the journey from being a Mrs to a Ms in her mid-30’s. I reckon she probably gets bouts of the Terrible Fear too.

Now, be gone Dark Feelings. You’ve been exorcised.

Let me get on with it, because I’m far too busy for this shit.

PS I told my darling friend how I was feeling and she sent me a link to Marie Forleo’s What To Do When You Doubt Everything. It appears it’s a real Thing, and not just a me Thing. Check it out if you’re ever afflicted by The Thing. First thing she suggests is taking time away from technology.

If you dig this post, be sure to like my Facebook page, or follow me on twitter @theholsbys, so you can be sure to always keep up with the Holsbys.

Hooking up on Tuesday with the other Tuesday kids over at EssentiallyJess.

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36 Responses to “Paralysis”

  1. Starting Over August 6, 2013 at 7:52 am #

    Thank you so much for recommending my blog. And yes, I have been struck with those doubts too. My blog was good for my soul in one respect but had me doubting at first if my thoughts and opinions were valid. Then I thought to myself – I’m getting too old to care about this shit and so now I just blurt it all out and hope it connects with at least one person πŸ™‚

    Your writing is great, people love your blog including me so keep up the great work πŸ™‚

  2. A Morning Grouch August 6, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    I think everyone goes through little dips and that’s ok. My writing comes and goes in spurts . No need to apologize or even explain that, I don’t think. It’s normal.

  3. mumabulous August 6, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    Hello normal. I think everyone feels this way at least some of the time. Blogging is meant to be something you do for fun and connection. If you just aren’t feeling it, take a break. Inspiration always strikes.
    PS: I agree with Starting Over – your blog is intelligent, funny and poignant. A rare combination on the interwebs. πŸ˜‰

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:27 am #

      Thanks Mumabs! Two days tech detox and I’m feeling heeeeeeaaaaaps better. I reckon a good bit of crumpet, and I’ll be ready to tackle the world!

  4. ksbeth August 6, 2013 at 10:19 am #

    i think that everyone, some more than others, have times of doubt at various times in their lives. it is certainly okay to step back for a bit and reflect on things, and then, when you feel refreshed and ready again, to reemerge, stronger and with a better understanding of yourself and your world. i’ve enjoyed reading your posts, i think that what you have to say is very honest, and real and full of all kinds of emotions. if, and when you have the time and desire to write, i will happily welcome your words. best, beth

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:25 am #

      Thanks so much Beth. I had a tech detox for a couple of days, and it’s amazing how much difference it made. It’s so easy to get caught up in cyber land. I’m aiming for balance now. Your encouragement and kind words are deeply appreciated.
      Love and light x

  5. Renee at Mummy, Wife, Me August 6, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

    I’ve been feeling this way for awhile too, so you’re definitely not alone. It’s horrible when your mind spirals out of control and you circle deeper and deeper into anxiety and stress and you become .. paralysed. I always find talking about things helps, so I hope that now you’ve put this out there you can break free of this awful feeling. If not, I find wine helps too … πŸ˜‰

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:23 am #

      Two days off, wine with friends, some exercise and I feel like I’m really to tackle that to do list. I hope you listen to your own advice!

  6. Nina August 6, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    I tend to think that the more you write, the more things will happen. I know this from experience because the times when I’ve stopped writing or cared, it totally showed, and vice versa, when I write a lot, that’s when I get better practice and improve.

    But those breaks are necessary. We work best when we give it our all, then take a break to chill out and recuperate.

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:23 am #

      Of course, I agree, Nina. Again, it’s the time thing, but you know alllllllllll about that!
      A few days off, and a good To Do list and I feel a little more in control. Nothing like a public meltdown to get you back on track πŸ˜‰

  7. Have a laugh on me August 6, 2013 at 2:14 pm #

    I must be stuck in the same Twilight zone as you right now. I’ve been thinking about why would anyone want to read my dribble, why was I writing, for my ego, as a release or what?! Then I realised I need to get it out there, and I adore what you write, the dribble, the wise words and hard stories/experiences you share. There isn’t enough time in the days I know. It’s my hubby I feel sorry for, I am like GLUED to the computer at nights!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:21 am #

      That’s the thing, I’m totally in this cyber land and it affects my real life. I turned off for two days just now, no FB and thinking about blogs and it was goooood. maybe we need a day off a week to reconnect with real life.
      I’m so addicted to my iPhone that even if I’m hainv g family time I check it constantly. Must turn it off.

      *gasp*

      You rock, Em. Your irreverence and voice is such a breath of fresh air.

  8. Twitchy (@TwitchyCorner) August 6, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

    RELATE to absolutely everything you say, daily. Then to add a layer on top of being sick of yourself- being sick of *thinking* about being sick of your own voice and WHY am I doing it and inflicting it on others- :O well it happens daily for me. Daily. As well as the whole numbers thing. If I look at my clicks or little page following (appreciate them all, but why does it move so slowly and heaven forbid I lose a couple, it hurts! Waaaah.)

    The cycle of telling myself not to quit, feeling invisible then reminding myself that I’m doing it for so many reasons including challenging myself to become better at writing, is endless. Endless. Best wishes x #teamIBOT

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:19 am #

      Oh Twitch, don’t even get me started on stats. It feels so personal when you lose one!!! I guess the message I’m getting from everyone is we all need to cut ourselves some slack. I love that I’m not alone in this, and it’s made me feel better….. you know, it doesn’t matter if you have tens, or hundreds, or thousands, it matters that those who do read, connect and take away some comfort. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to more successful people, and think about the people who care about us.

  9. mummyflyingsolo August 6, 2013 at 5:30 pm #

    I was having a “what’s the point of all this” moment last week (this being blogging) so I get where you’re at. All I can say is I love the sound of your voice so if you can keep on sharing it with us then I’d be pretty happy about that πŸ™‚ Please!!!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:17 am #

      Thanks so much, Mama! Sending you some supportive bolstering love too. Just do it as it feels right. Take the pressure off!

  10. Kim August 6, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    Oh dude – I’ve SO got the THING. In fact, I’ve got it so badly right now I seem to even be Facebook averse! WHAT!? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I keep trashing all my posts, thwacking out the odd one-a-weeker when I can manage not to think it through too hard… but right now all I feel is PRESSURE and OBLIGATION and FAILURE to live up to stuff. All I really want to do? Watch telly and read books. Don’t have time for that shit either. Where is the time doctor? I need me some more of that shit. Anyway – thanks for being human Mrs Holsby. Kick your doubt to the curb cos I for one LOVE hearing your unique voice. Cos it IS unique. x

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:16 am #

      Miss Kim, this message is so damned beautiful I could weep. Why do we impose such pressure on ourselves? Our lives are hectic enough, this should be our release.
      Let’s both chill. I’ve taken two days off FB completely, and I’m going to do that more. AND turn my phone off for a few hours a day so I can’t constantly check FB, emails and twitter.
      Fuck FOMO. xxx

  11. EssentiallyJess August 6, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Danielle, I get this and am with you one hundred percent. I’ve stepped back from writing a lot lately because I get so sick of hearing myself think, and also because sometimes i just think ‘what’s the point?’ Does the world really need another post?
    Sometimes the answer is probably no.
    Other times it is a resounding yes. Because we all have something to offer and by sharing that, we make the world a better place. Love ya chick xx

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:14 am #

      That’s it, isn’t it. Sometimes Iknow I’ve written a cracker and other times it’s like writing for the sake of posting on the imaginary deadline!
      I admire your writing, and the blog empire you’re building so to know that you feel this too at times makes me feel better.
      I just turned off for 2 days, no FB, no nothing and I feel rejuvenated….. might be a post in that πŸ˜‰

  12. Zanni Arnot August 6, 2013 at 9:35 pm #

    I have read about this theme on a number of blogs (including my own!) but as usual, you always make a familiar theme unique and memorable. I totally know what you mean about this. I am having less sleep than usual, and yes, I think I am tired of my own voice. Blogging is harder than it once was. But I am trying to capture the thoughts when I have them, jot them down. I am being less precious about posts I start and don’t complete. Drafts are building up in my folder, and I don’t care. Still the best posts seem to be the most spontaneous ones. You have exactly the right attitude. The next wave will come, and when it does, grab it. Can’t wait for your book. xx

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:12 am #

      You are a darling. It’s a funny thing, this blogging thing, and I impose such deadlines and stuff on myself when there’s really no need. I need to chill. Smell more flowers, and drink more tea.
      Once more it’s lovely to know I’m not alone. I guess that’s one of the best things about BlogLand. xxx

  13. blowingoffsteamandmore August 7, 2013 at 3:53 am #

    I was having that problem too, so I made over my blog a bit and decided just to write what I want and to write it for me (aside from the weekly menus). I found that when I wrote for people’s approval it changed my writing and made it sounds less like me and more like I was reading from someone else’s book. There are very successful writers out there who write stuff that most people wouldn’t even dream of saying out loud, yet people want to read it for that very reason! Good luck!

  14. Bunny Eats Design August 7, 2013 at 7:24 am #

    I write as often as time permits and I don’t have sprogs. Every post you publish is practice. You carve out your thoughts, fine tune and sand it down to an art.

    But if blogging shouldn’t be so hard. Don’t steal time away from your sprogs. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This too, shall pass.

  15. San August 7, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

    Well Girlfriend, we love what you write even when you write about writing nothing. Don’t lose heart, remember – you are completely unique, like the rest of us :o)

  16. maxabella August 7, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    You sound very overwhelmed lately and that always makes me procrastinate the shit out of everything. Time is the only thing we can’t change, but we can certainly change the way we use it and the way it does our head in. Prioritise and don’t worry so much about the blog. Don’t over think it. Anything you have to say that you feel the need to express deserves a voice, IMO.

    I get completely over the sound of my own voice all the time. And don’t get me started on the sound of my own thinking. Drives me crazy.

    Be yourself, be grand, be gentle, be wherever you need to be.

    x

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:08 am #

      First thing to get under control is social media. It’s a time sucker. Your lovely gentle comment was perfect. I’ve unplugged for 2 days and made a game plan.
      Now, back at it!!! xxx

  17. Margriet Barnes August 7, 2013 at 7:31 pm #

    Hi there, just a little note that I’ve always enjoyed reading your blogs, you are the only one I follow, because well I havent got enough hours in the day (!) and you do make me laugh, think and I suppose care what you have to say! So get rid of The Thing, you dont need it.. Look forward to reading your next blog! Xxx

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 8, 2013 at 8:06 am #

      Thanks, M! That’s a lovely thing to say. I reckon I’ll be back on form in no time. Just need to organise myself so I have a game plan! Thanks for letting me know you care x

  18. beautifulimages August 9, 2013 at 8:41 pm #

    I know exactly how you feel. I have just started writing again after a long break. I stopped cause I thought who cares anyway and also sometimes I feel like I reveal too much of myself in my writing. But I really missed it so I have started blogging again recently, it is an outlet for me and I enjoy it. I do get satisfaction when I know that someone has enjoyed reading my stories but I’ve decided that I’m just going to keep writing because I like it. As for never having enough time, with 4 kids I totally get that!

    • Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 10, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

      Welcome back! You’re totally right… it’s remembering why I’m doing it and taking the pressure off.
      Thank for popping by.

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